It has been noted that I have been quiet on social media for the last week. It has been a conscious effort, and I have commented on a few things on Facebook and Twitter, but generally I have been gently withdrawing. More of an experiment than anything else, I have been reminded recently of why I came to feel so bitter and twisted about my old life; the Internet is an easy place to rage at no one and then allow it to follow you into the real world like a bad smell.
About ten days ago, I realised that I'd been edging towards the curmudgeonly old fucker I was hurtling towards in Northampton. I was allowing extraneous things pervade my relatively boring life to compensate for the lack of motivation to do things. Brought on, I hasten to add, more by the weather than by any impediment of a human nature. The feeling that something is looking down and laughing at you because the hole you're digging in the ground sat there inviting me on a daily basis to shuffle down the garden and royally screw my back some more until the day I could finally do it and the heavens opened for best part of the next three weeks. That kind of feeling.
So my time has been filled with more of the shit that I subjected myself to back down there and as a result, a mixture of me seeing myself descending into becoming unpleasant company and the total understanding of why it was happening, I did something about it. Being a fully-paid-up member of the Luddite club, my mobile phone is beginning to look stylish again. It's one of the shite Sony Xperia's and I use it for so little that is probably the sole reason it is still alive and functioning. I take shit pictures with it; I send text messages; I even use it for phone calls... Oh and I have used the internet function Chrome browser thing to check football scores and my Facebook account when we had no wifi here. This has been my Facebook access all week, usually during periods we're too civilised to talk about. This is a solid gold deterrent. This is like standing next to the wife completely naked with a jellyfish, six pairs of handcuffs and asking if she fancies a shag.
The first thing I did was limit myself to actual computer time. I decided that, as I get up first everyday - yes, I know how crazy that sounds - I would have it on until breakfast. Depending on what I needed it for, I have pretty much only used it for watching things (and playing a bit of Scrabble) and illegally downloading US TV series episodes. I haven't stopped myself from using Facebook, I'm just limiting my time and it appears to be ... I dunno if 'working' is the right word. It's like being an addict but allowing yourself a little each day, if you exceed it you're not allowed it the next day; but it's also like cheating at golf - you're cheating no one but yourself. Essentially, it's been easier than I expected because I'm not stopping myself. It's for my own good. (The irony in that statement being - tonight I splurged)
The upshot is, while I haven't been able to do as much in the garden as I would have hoped, I have done some of the more essential pruning (I know! My life is sooo exciting!) and I've managed to do some things like plant some potatoes and plan out what I am going to do that doesn't involve the rest of the 'garden project'. I have attempted to find some new places to walk that are both taxing but not likely to have me collapsing in a heap of breathlessness and freaking out my walking buddy, who already must think I'd be better off carting oxygen tanks with us.
In an amongst this, I have manned a market stall for a day to help a friend out. I have returned to the site of Doug's last bad accident and we both got through it without incident. I have discovered I might be losing weight through eating less, I'm probably putting it back on by virtue of building up a tolerance to alcohol. I've seen a blues singer; a local Scottish folk band and helped the quiz team return to winning ways and realised that I'm at my happiest when I'm not trying to find a reason to dislike something or someone. There's too much of that about already; I'm old enough to remember when there was such a thing as community and the concept of love they neighbour was second nature not some weird invitation.
Part of the realisation was simply seeing how easy it was to be a towny in a place where it has no meaning. There is no point in perpetuating ill-feeling; life is simply too short. One thing I've learnt since I've been here is "respect others' opinions even if you simply can't agree with them." There's not enough of us here to let inconsequential beliefs stand in the way of a friendship; the same way you can't let someone's pernicious madness inveigle into your life to the point where you let them spoil your evening. I might be sounding a bit cryptic, but essentially there's a lesson there for anyone I know who wanders around with an invisible chip on their shoulder, thinking that their opinion justifies a higher position because it's theirs.
I am as guilty of it as anyone. I am big enough to acknowledge it, even if it hurts. So, if by some fluke of nature you are that unbelievable cockwomble I met down the beach last week, I appreciate that getting a grovelling apology from my wife for our dog pissing on your £150 coat was not enough and you wanted to shout at me and demand I a) keep my dog under control - what I was essentially trying to do but some cunt was getting in my face at the time, also demanding that b) I also apologise, because I didn't realise at the time that you were some moronic chauvinist who didn't think an apology from a woman is good enough for your £150 fucking coat and needed one from me. I completely understand your annoyance and I apologise for telling you, loudly, that I 'Really don't give a fuck' - several times in answer to various questions - but I had tried to do both things you asked in a nice humble and apologetic way, but you, being an extreme 21st century prize cunt, wouldn't fucking let it lie. So, as a result of you pushing me to nuclear Northampton levels, you are lucky I didn't rip your fucking head off and shit down your neck, you fucking worthless impotent cretin.
<breathe>
And I feel so much better now... 😊
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